


Don't ghost hunt while drunk

by AlMerriweatherJones



Series: Dream renditions [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Brief Varric Tethras, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, F/F, Haunted Houses, M/M, Multi, silly story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 17:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlMerriweatherJones/pseuds/AlMerriweatherJones
Summary: A drunken Hawke drags and equally drunken Fenris and Merrill, along with a stone cold sober Anders to a house that supposedly is haunted. You know, cause you should always fight demons when drunk.





	Don't ghost hunt while drunk

**Author's Note:**

> So I have very lucid dreams. I remember every one of them I have. I have lately decided if I have time to write that I wanted to write little short stories featuring dragon age characters based off of them. This one featured what was mentioned in the story. Unfortunately I really could not think of a way to add in the part where you couldn't use the toilet in my dream unless you had the trash cans on the back porch in a certain position. 
> 
> Did I mention I have weird dreams?
> 
> Mentions of a poly relationship between Hawke/Fenris/Anders, but it is not the focus of the story.

“What..What’re we doing here Hawke?”

A grin spreads sloppily across the bearded rogues face. Hawke hiccups before replying, “Varric told me about this place. Apparently, it’s haunted? I’m really not sure how he keeps coming across demonic infested properties.”

The resident Dark Town healer, Anders, and only sober one of the group sighed, “And you thought the best time to check it out is after you challenged Fenris in seeing which could make you drunk faster, wine or swill?”

From behind Anders, he could hear a deep voice rumble quietly, “I’m not sure there was much of a difference between the two…”

“Oh, is that why you brought me to Hawke! Thank you, your so kind to think of me.” A tiny, excited voice piped up next. Anders swiveled around to see the tiny Dalish elf, Merrill, rocking back and forth excitedly on her toes.

A hand unconsciously smacked Anders forehead, “Merrill, wasn’t Isabella explaining body shots to you earlier, with a live example?”

The Vasallin covered face bobbed up and done happily, “Oh yes, I think I enjoyed the ones between her breasts more then the bellybutton. I am feeling very fuzzy though.

So great, they were about to enter a possibly demon riddled house with a drunk broody elf, a tipsy blood mage, and a rogue who was sarcastic on a good day, near unbearable after imbibing. Who could barely walk forward with hitting a wall. It was times like this that Anders was happy that Justice wouldn’t let him get drunk anymore.

The broken door loomed ominously ahead and when Hawke bent forward to “try” to unlock it, the door swung open and the four stepped inside. Merrill attempted to shut the door behind them, but even trying to do it softly, the door managed to fall even further off the hinges. She just giggled and said “Sorry” really loudly to it.

With a side glance to Fenris, Anders questioned, “So… torches, walking through blindly, mage wisps…” Fenris tattoos lit up at the mention of magic, “… or Broody Death Elf to light the way?”

Hawke brought out a torch, but after nearly dropping it twice, Anders took it away, lit it discreetly, and started walking towards the first door on the left. The other three followed, the main walking area being surprisingly clean of clutter for being abandoned. The only thing of notice was a large couch in the middle of the room and a cot set up a few ways away.

“So, what kind of haunted Hawke? HAWKE! Stop attempting to sneak up on Fenris, do you want a fist through the heart?” Anders swore it was like babysitting five year olds.

Hawke broke out of his cartoon like sneaking to glance at Anders and plaster that stupid shit eating grin on his face. “I don’t know. Varric just said there were noises, and that something kept going… what is that that ghosts say to people… oh… boo! To people who kept trying to buy it.”

“They…. They said boo?” Anders deadpanned back, ignoring the snickering from the two elves to the side.

“Yep! Boo!!!” Hawke responded.

_Maker help me, why do I sleep with this man?_ Anders muttered to himself.

The room the stepped into had nothing but bookshelf’s and there was nothing feeling off about it, so he steered the cackling goons back out to the living room and went to the backdoor to see if it could be opened. Upon getting the door shoved forward, he could see several barrels in the back on a small stoop, but nothing else of import. After shutting it and turning around he saw the other three spread out on the couch, Hawke nuzzling into Fenris neck and Merrill laying backwards over the armrest facing the far away corridor to the right.

“Alright you three. Hawke! No necking Fenris, at least until we’re home, Merrill! What on earth are you staring at, and how is that comfortable?”  Anders was close to getting a rope and just tying them to the wall while he looked around.

Merrill kept going and suddenly looked very sober, “Anders, I’m going to go down here, just to feel around a bit. Something is off. “

All of a sudden Hawke leapt up to, “Andraste’s left tit, something just bit me. Wait that wasn’t you pinching my ass Fenris right? Wait... no… you don’t do that, that’s Anders.”

While Anders blushed, Merrill walked down the hall and Fenris helped Hawke, circling behind him to look at his back. All of a sudden Fenris jumped back and a spider fell off Hawke, as it fell it split into three, each with 2 legs and a red spot on its back.

“Fasta Vass! What is that?” The Elf shouted.

“Does it matter” Hawke responded, “Kill it! Kill it!” While attempting to sloppily bring his foot down on top of the scurrying “spiders”

Anders hurried over and sent a healing spell to Hawkes ass just incase it was poison, he attempted to flame them out, but Hawkes foot was in the way and the spiders ran under the couch.

“We need to find those fuckers and kill them.” Hawke was shouting, already in position to move the couch. It was quite adorable really how much Hawke hated spiders, apparently even the weird, two-legged, splitting kind.

Breaking out of his revelry, Fenris pushed the couch backwards in one go with his foot and immediately lit his brands upon seeing what was hiding underneath. Giant tunnels had been dug out from underneath the furniture. You could see roots and bits of dirt swirling down into dark spaces below. A stunned look graced all three of their faces as a few more of those insect thingies scurried about and, in the distance, what looked like a snake, slithered in and out of focus.

“I’ve changed my mind Anders,” Hawke said soberly, “Don’t kill them, BURN the Fuckers NOW!”

The elf was still holding his great sword in front of him as though that would protect him from a swarm of tiny insects and agreed, “Normally I’d say no magic, but that seems to be the reasonable suggestion in this case. Burn that Kaffas now mage!”

With a deep breath, Anders held both of his hands out above the hole and unleashed a torrent of fire. When everything was a deep black, he stopped and shook out his palms, making sure everything had dispersed. Before he could utter a word, a loud shriek sounded from the hallway.

“Merrill!” Anders and Hawke shouted and raced towards there with Fenris following behind them, sword still held defensively towards the burnt tunnels behind them.

At this point Hawke was no longer as wobbly as before and slammed his shoulder to burst open the only closed door in front of them. There the blood mage stood, hands stretched out in front of her, surrounded by an entire family of spirits. A portly man and women were baring down on her while a kid sat in the dust and bit what would’ve been his finger nails. With a quick mutter Anders sent a lightning bolt between the two and they disappeared with a snap. The kid ghost/spirit/demon looked back at the them with the wide black pits of his eyes and popped also as he followed the other two to wherever they had gone.

“Merrill” Anders advanced on her slowly, “Why did you not spirit them away. You literally have a main spell you use to do that!”

She looked at Anders, and her eyes made him stop in his tracks. Merrill’s eyes were completely black and there were black lines winding their way from the eye sockets to her ears. It reminded Anders of the blight so much that he started shaking. He’d already had to send Bethany to the Wardens, he couldn’t stand sending Merrill there as well.

With a sudden gasp, Merrill’s eyelids snapped close and she collapsed to the floor. Hawke rushed forward to catch her. Tactfully Fenris uttered, “Is she dead?” but clammed up immediately seeing the look in Hawkes eyes as he swiveled to glare at him. Another gasp echoed through the room and Merrill sat up, Eyes back to their normal moss green and all the lines had disappeared. Anders silently thanked the maker, but was still very confused as to everything that had just happened here. He stepped up behind Hawke and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Love, we need to get her out of here and go ask Varric if he has more info on the place. Those weren’t clear cut demons and there’s some weird ambivalent magic going on here that I can’t pinpoint.” Anders said softly.

With a nod, Hawke picked up Merrill’s slight body and carried her. Fenris followed behind again making sure nothing trailed behind them and put a large piece of wood of the threshold of the front door so it could hopefully remain undisturbed until they could come back, better armed and sober.

Halfway to the hanged man Hawke swore and started dancing from one leg to the other. “Fenris, I know you don’t like her, but if you don’t take Merrill now, I’m going to piss down my leg. Why did I let you talk me into that drinking contest?”

Ander stepped forward to carry her instead and smacked Hawke on the head before doing so. “You started it you idiot! Now go find a place to relieve yourself and we’ll meet you at the Hanged Man.”

After flashing him giant puppy eyes, Hawke hurriedly waddled off in the opposite direction and Anders smiled on with affection. “Fenris, can we please just go home and sleep after this?”

The elf was chucking himself in Hawes direction and nodded, “yes Amatus, I’d say that sounds like a good idea.”


End file.
